Friday, August 28, 2009

Eduardo stuns footballing world by creating a new form of cheating.

On Wednesday night in London the footballing world was rocked to its core as Croatian striker Eduardo (if that is even his real name) invented a form of cheating so insidious, yet so innovative and breathtaking, that many in the stadium, and across the world, were driven to tears by anger, despair and incomprehension.

'Why me! Why did I have to see this? What have I ever done to this world!' was the opinion voiced by one tearful supporter leaving the stadium, clearly shocked at what he had seen. His friends tried to comfort him, but he'd seen too much. They had all seen far too much.

Some are labelling what Eduardo did, 'The Croatian flop'; others, in a tribute of sorts to Eduardo's Brazillian heritage, have called it the 'Rio roll-over'. Some have even called it a 'dive', although this term is completely unknown in footballing communities.

The Celtic players attributed their defeat solely to Eduardo's action, which they claim traumatised them so deeply that they were simply unable to continue playing afterwards. This claim is, of course, completely and utterly plausible.

One player stated, 'it might seem, to the untrained eye, that Arsenal had completely dominated the game up to the point. That we had only had one shot on goal in the entire 120 or so minutes of the tie before Eduardo's goal. That our team is made up of a motley-crue of Premiership rejects, scottish driftwood and players who couldn't find contracts elsewhere in Europe. That we had played so poorly in the first half that ITV was forced to show a manifestly offside goal as our best chance at half-time.

'This is, of course, rubbish. Our game-plan was simple: lull Arsenal into a false sense of security by allowing them to go 2-0 up and completely dominate passing, possession, etc., and then, in the last ten minutes, to score 400 goals to win the tie on aggregate. Gary Caldwell had practised a move where he would run round the entire team heading the ball over each one of them like a seal, before scorpion-kicking the ball into the net. This was going to be goal number 400.

'Because of Eduardo's 'dive', if that's what it's being called, we were absolutely robbed of a game we would have undoubtedly won otherwise, especially as, by trying to cripple Arsenal's players in the first-leg, we had honourably played the game in 'the british way', where breaking players legs and crippling them are honoured pursuits. That we were denied our progression after such persistent fouling is really hard to take.'

UEFA have charged Eduardo over the said 'dive', stating that they would attempt to fully stamp out this new form of gamesmanship.

The organisation stated in a press release that, 'It was imperative that this form of cheating was destroyed before it could grow any further. We have never seen any incident like this in any European competition ever before; it is so unprecedented that we are at a loss of what to do. Eduardo may be turned over to the British police force for sentencing, because this crime clearly goes beyond football'.

Members of the British media stated that Eduardo must be dealt with harshly, before English players began being infected by 'the devious ways of the foreigner'.

One journalist stated, 'would steven Gerrard ever dive? no. Wayne Rooney? no. Michael Owen? no. Of course not: they're English. We need to make sure 'Eduardoing' doesn't catch on and that our decent boys aren't brainwashed into following his cheating ways.'

Further news is forthcoming, but for now I would like to say that I hope Eduardo receives a life-ban from football for destroying the careers of so many players and for taking the game to such a level of disrepute. I hope you're proud of yourself, Mr. da Silva.


Anonymous said...

haha I can smell your sarcasm! Good article mate! It seems Dudu killed someone. It is just ridiculous what happened to him. I hate the fu..... UEFA official especially the cu.. Platini.

Anonymous said...

Bloody brilliant - says it so much better than anything else I've ever read!

Bryce said...

Spot on. The hypocrisy from the media is vomit-inducing.. Rooney, Gerrard etc - if they did it, there'd be no problem. Eduardo didn't even claim a pen - he just fell over. Grow up media. Grow up ITV. Grow up UEFA.

Anonymous said...
Lol......nuff said.

Clooci Studios said...

Brilliant I agree ..... He should be in a cell with the side show bob they deserve to rot for there crimed !

Deb said...

Great stuff - I don't know how Eduardo will dare show his face again...or his scars on his legs which were created by an honourable British challenge.

Anonymous said...

What about the two games fabrigas has to miss due to their spirit of the game leg crunching.
Why don't we get our lawyers on the case like chelsea do every time the FA or UEFA try it on. They seem to piss their pants when clubs get their lawyers involved.
We can then get video evedence of every dive that remains unpunished and ask why we have been made an exception of?

Anonymous said...

UEFA is a joke, currently run by that mother fucker Platini, has been always bias against Arsenal.

Anonymous said...

Good article. Thanks you just summed up the Eduardo debate in a good manner. Innovative and creative critical article. well done. Wake up Arsenal fans, our team is targetted.

Anonymous said...

I haven't been able to sleep since Wednesday night, just saw a player called Ibrahimovic copying Eduardo's antics in the super cup. Eduardo is a disgrace.

Anonymous said...

Oh Yes!!!!! they will do anything to distract us this season.
Anything!Its up to the Boss to hold them together. Whether they have managed to distract him already?, will hopefully find out tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

The line has to be drawn somewhere, it’s about bloody time. Can understand Arsenal fans upset but you cannot defend what he did. Let’s hope all these incidents of cheating are dealt with in the same way from now on.

Anonymous said...

I agree that diving should be made punishable amongst other activities like breaking a players leg where he can't play for ayear.
So why don't UEFA make this law at the start of the season instead of waiting for media presure and using eduado as a scape goat.
I might be primed to dive if my leg was broken and the intent of a possible injury was coming, wouldn't you.
I would do a chelsea and sue the UEFA for unfair treatment considering the players background regarding his injury.
Players are trained to avoid body thrown tackles and considering eduado had his leg broken by one who can blame him.
It was the refs disinsion to give the penalty.
You don't punish the drug adiicts you punish the pushers, so why don't you punish UEFA and the ref for not using a preventive measure in the first place like instant video evidence and a fourth official who should be able to watch an instint replay and talk to the ref like the do in cricket?

Anonymous said...

OUTSTANDING article! Very well done and very funny!

Anonymous said...

After watching the video of the incident.
1. It was a side body sliding tackle-which is considered a dangerous tackle
2. The goal keeper did not go for the ball because he brought his knees into play with the intention of fouling or intimidating the player into falling to the ground- which is "intent" punishable by a yellow card on any other part of the field.

Why does the video not show the goal keeper nearly touching the ball instead of the player?
If the goal keeper is stupid enough to try his luck then he deserves to be punished by a penalty.

ASI said...

i wud say that if they(uefa) get the courage to get tecnology into play then they cud probably use that hotspot thing they use in cricket tho prove the right thing happened

Kurt2000 said...


Anonymous said...

For all you c!@#ts out there who condone UEFAS decision! As one post said....Eduardo didn't instantly look round and implore the ref foe a Pen.....Just lookk at Stevie G and Shrekboy....he just bloody fell over...!!!!!!!! He had a horrific, horrific injury 18 months ago and if he DIVED out of the way of a rapidly advancing 200lb plus mass Boruc then he was PROTECTING HIMDSELF!!!! After that, he was playing to the ref's whistle...FFS!!!! Actually, the British press are right.....He needs to be hung drawn and quartered.....Taylor's tackle was...."Just one of those things"...and part of a "man's game"...!

Anonymous said...

Very amusing article.

The attention that this case has got is, it must be said ridiculous considering the amount of over-the-top diving, outright cheating and astonishing disrespect shown to authority by the majority of Premiership players in the modern game.

However, even as an Arsenal fan, I hope that this may be a turning point; that this may be the moment that UEFA stamps it's foot down and starts banning players that lie and cheat their way to victory. Video technology for "4th Officials", red cards for divers, and the problem will be gone within a month.

Football eh!


jliauw said...

Absolutely brilliant piece! Let's win every single trophy this season and then laugh our asses off at the pathetic miserable bunch of man ure-eating, millwall-loving-thugs and jailboy-kissing media and the useless dishrag of a bureaucracy that is Uefa trying to kiss our asses off on how good we are once more. hahahahaha let laugh at how utterly lamebrain and pathetic they will look then! Scum.

Anonymous said...

There is no place for divers in the game.True you would have to feel really hard done by and randomly singled out for no reason if you're an Arsenal fan,but maybe some good will come from this particular dive and diving in general will become less of an issue.