Eduardo stuns footballing world by creating a new form of cheating.

On Wednesday night in London the footballing world was rocked to its core as Croatian striker Eduardo (if that is even his real name) invented a form of cheating so insidious, yet so innovative and breathtaking, that many in the stadium, and across the world, were driven to tears by anger, despair and incomprehension.

'Why me! Why did I have to see this? What have I ever done to this world!' was the opinion voiced by one tearful supporter leaving the stadium, clearly shocked at what he had seen. His friends tried to comfort him, but he'd seen too much. They had all seen far too much.

Some are labelling what Eduardo did, 'The Croatian flop'; others, in a tribute of sorts to Eduardo's Brazillian heritage, have called it the 'Rio roll-over'. Some have even called it a 'dive', although this term is completely unknown in footballing communities.

The Celtic players attributed their defeat solely to Eduardo's action, which they claim traumatised them so deeply that they were simply unable to continue playing afterwards. This claim is, of course, completely and utterly plausible.

One player stated, 'it might seem, to the untrained eye, that Arsenal had completely dominated the game up to the point. That we had only had one shot on goal in the entire 120 or so minutes of the tie before Eduardo's goal. That our team is made up of a motley-crue of Premiership rejects, scottish driftwood and players who couldn't find contracts elsewhere in Europe. That we had played so poorly in the first half that ITV was forced to show a manifestly offside goal as our best chance at half-time.

'This is, of course, rubbish. Our game-plan was simple: lull Arsenal into a false sense of security by allowing them to go 2-0 up and completely dominate passing, possession, etc., and then, in the last ten minutes, to score 400 goals to win the tie on aggregate. Gary Caldwell had practised a move where he would run round the entire team heading the ball over each one of them like a seal, before scorpion-kicking the ball into the net. This was going to be goal number 400.

'Because of Eduardo's 'dive', if that's what it's being called, we were absolutely robbed of a game we would have undoubtedly won otherwise, especially as, by trying to cripple Arsenal's players in the first-leg, we had honourably played the game in 'the british way', where breaking players legs and crippling them are honoured pursuits. That we were denied our progression after such persistent fouling is really hard to take.'

UEFA have charged Eduardo over the said 'dive', stating that they would attempt to fully stamp out this new form of gamesmanship.

The organisation stated in a press release that, 'It was imperative that this form of cheating was destroyed before it could grow any further. We have never seen any incident like this in any European competition ever before; it is so unprecedented that we are at a loss of what to do. Eduardo may be turned over to the British police force for sentencing, because this crime clearly goes beyond football'.

Members of the British media stated that Eduardo must be dealt with harshly, before English players began being infected by 'the devious ways of the foreigner'.

One journalist stated, 'would steven Gerrard ever dive? no. Wayne Rooney? no. Michael Owen? no. Of course not: they're English. We need to make sure 'Eduardoing' doesn't catch on and that our decent boys aren't brainwashed into following his cheating ways.'

Further news is forthcoming, but for now I would like to say that I hope Eduardo receives a life-ban from football for destroying the careers of so many players and for taking the game to such a level of disrepute. I hope you're proud of yourself, Mr. da Silva.